update

Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day for me. Sunday morning I was having dreams about my neck hurting VERY badly & having to go to the hospital. I woke up around 7am to the worst pain that I have ever had in my head. (Possibly worst ever.. even with my femur being broken). My head felt like it literally was going to explode and I was so sick. When I tried to get up, my head felt like it was 75 lbs and that my neck couldn't hold it up, so I fell back into bed. My dad got me an ice pack to lay on and then told me to go back to bed. During the course of the day I took some Aleve and got a prescription for Celebrex (inflammation) and although it helped a bit, I was still in excruciating pain all day. Today it is a bit better, but it still scares me that it could hurt that much and no one be able to figure out what is causing it.

My dad emailed my hip surgeon in Boston. He emailed us back & is working very hard to get a hold of my neck surgeon, neurologist, and some other neuro guy who is the tops at Harvard (We've gotten a few emails from them since). They're working hard to coordinate a schedule to get me to come very soon... because they're nervous about what's going on with me. It's potentially very serious. They're going against hospital policy by letting me in, but Dr. Millis said that he's "committed to helping me solve this". It's great to know that a person of such ranks as he would go out of his way to help me with an issue with my neck, when he deals with mainly hips.

I think I see gold

"I think I see gold
I think I see gold in the fire
Right there in the ashes
Is all you've desired
Oh, it's hard
As you press toward the goal
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't stop now
I think I see gold"
-Ray Boltz

I've been trying to stay very busy lately. I don't like to have any time during my day or night where I'm not with someone.. doing something. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. That scares me lately. I need to learn to be content with myself. I wishthat I had some big, deep entry to write.. but I don't. My mind is in a fog and I can't convey what my heart wants to. I need this pain to leave me.

I was suppose to go to Syracuse today for a check-up on my hips to check my progress, and for the neck doctors to meet with me once again. I cancelled both appointments yesterday. I am so fed up and frustrated with the doctors in Syracuse that I said "forget it". My dad emailed my hip surgeon in Boston (Dr. Millis) to see if I could have a check-up with him this summer instead. He has not seen me walk & stand with two straight legs yet, so I am very anxious for him to. He's changed my life. We also requested that I get an appointment with a neurologist that helped work on my neck during my first neck operation (hopefully to gain some insight on the neck pain). There is one problem.. I may not be able to . If you have not had a certain condition since before you were 18, then you cannot get into Boston Childrens Hospital. We cannot prove that my neck pain was caused from my broken neck or surgery, so Dr. Proctor (neurologist) most likely won't be able to meet with me. I've met with him once since the surgery, but I am 20 and it will be very difficult to be able to get back in there. I'm hoping for a miracle and that Dr. Proctor will beable to meet with me and hopefully figure out what the problem could be, since everyone believes it is a nerve problem snd not a bone structure problem. I'll let everyone know when Dr. Millis emails us back.

my song?

6/30/08

I’m spending another sleepless night, consumed with the pain I feel.I’ve cried too many tears to be back here again tonight.
My mind races with many unanswered questions
And my heart breaks with each one.
Why have I been dealt this card?
What have I done to sink this low?

And I’m suffering, aching, screaming, dying inside.
And I’m crying, longing, begging, for new life.
Something’s got to change in my world.
I can’t keep being trampled on every time I get back up.I need a savior, a healer, and a refuge from the storm.If he doesn’t come soon I’ll drown in my tears for good.

I feel alone and I’ve got no one to turn to.No one around me understands this depth of hurt.
I need to rest; I’m too weary to fight for much longer.
My bones are screaming for restoration,
And my shattered heart needs to be re-built.
Please, can’t you just take away the pain?

I’ll lay it down, I’ll let you fight.
I’ll run to you, run with you, run for you.
Teach me that I can be victorious and weak at once.
Clear away the chaos and confusion the world has thrown me into.
I need peace before I can drop to my knees to believe again.
I need to know that you love me, please SHOW me that you love me.

self-assurance.

What I am about to write is going to surprise myself. I just came to the conclusion that I am on my way to be content (in some areas) with where I am at in life right now. I can't remember the last time that things have felt this "right". Right now, I'm spending a lot of time at church and watching the children every night for Lanny Hubbard's meetings. It's not just the babysitting that I love, but I feel that it's ok that I'm in Massena, its ok that I LOVE spending time at NTC, its ok that I'm going to school at Canton for now. I always thought that right after high school I'd book it out of the 'north country' and "make something of myself". Right now I am making something of myself because I'm imparting things into these incredible children at my church. I keep hearing stories that make me cry about them wanting to spend time with me and loving me. I feel like being involved with the kids ministry at NTC on Sundays, Thursdays, VBS, special events.. is sooo right. I don't know if I can/be able to do this someday when I'm older, but for now.. this is my joy. These children that hug me and say "I love you Meghan" when they leave, are my joy. Maybe I'm just starting to feel whole because I feel like this is my ministy? Preaching is great, being on a prayer team is great, but teaching and loving kids is great too! I'm learning that it's ok to be in Massena for now, and to do what I am doing. It's comforting to know that it's ok with God and it is ok with me.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting again before I leave for Florida. We leave Monday night for Syracuse, and leave at 6am for Florida to get there by noon. Please pray for us and that amazing things happen in my body and in my heart. Pray for Jesus to heal my heart and take away dissapointment and hurt. I think that's more important that my neck being healed.

weekend pictures

The weekend went very well, and although I am tired.. it was worth it!
Instead of writing lots of words, I'll just share a bunch of pictures. I am proud to say that I was able to walk down the isle without a crutch, just as I had wished. I ended up using one half-way through the ceremony to lean on and walk back down the isle with. I pushed myself and it was worth it. For the first half of the ceremony I was sad that I "couldn't" dance with all of my friends, but after a little while I thought "I'll just try to slow dance. Nothing too crazy, just to see if I'm safe or able to". Well, I ended up dancing for hours straight (to fast songs) and had an absolute blast! I guess fear needs to be tested some times, to see how far we can go. I would've missed out on some great memories, if I hadn't had stepped out and tried, even though I was scared for my safety and well-being of my hip. My best friend said "I am SO happy to see you out here dancing!", and.. I was too. =)

This afternoon we went to the Cardinals for a cook-out. I didn't take any pictures, but my dad took this picture of me & Sophie. I love it!

bitter-sweet

My appointments yesterday were bitter-sweet. My hip appointment went well, while the neck appointment wasn't as successful.

When I arrived at the doctor's office I had x-rays done, then I went to meet with the Syracuse hip surgeon. After reviewing my x-rays Dr. Simpson said "I was honestly expecting to walk in here and tell you that your leg hadn't healed yet and that you need to continue using two crutched. But, I'm surprised to say that your leg is healing like gang-busters and its healing so fast. Faster than expected. You can throw the crutch out today if you feel comfortable with that". I was completely shocked to hear this. After every other surgery my leg has healed slower than expected, so this was a big treat. I know that it's everyone's prayers that have helped speed this along. So.. thank you!

When I went in for my neck appointment, a doctor (I'd never met before) interviewed me then put a very painful injection into my neck/head on the left and right side. The injection was suppose to numb the nerve for up to a few months and take away the pain. The doctor said that if it didn't work within the first 20 minutes, then it wouldn't work. Well, it definitely numbed the whole back of my head for about an hour, but sadly... no relief from the pain. They also wrote out two prescriptions for me to start taking. One was Celebrex for inflamation, which I am comfortable taking.. but there is some sort of migraine medicine that he wants me to start taking that I'm going to check with a few doctors on because I don't feel good about it. It's something to do with my per____ nerve, and I will most likely be on it for the rest of my life. I don't want to take something for that long unless I absolutely have to. So pretty much.. I am still a mystery to doctors and they're just trying different things to help. I just wish I had a definite answer and a definite cure.

my week

This week is/will be an interesting one!

* Today I bought a new digital camera and I absolutely love it! It's a Nikon Coolpix s550, 10 megapixels, 5x zoom. It's an incredible price for the camera, so I'm very happy with it.



Today I also went to Potsdam with my dad to get a CAT scan done. Right before it started taking pictures, I said a quick prayer that whatever needs to show up on the scan will, in order for the doctor to gain some insight.

* Tomorrow I have to get x-rays done in Syracuse then I have a check-up right after. Immediately following the hip appointment I've got an appointment with a doctor concerning my neck, where he'll view the CATscan and hopefully have a conclusion as to what is causing all of the pain.

* Wednesday I will be seeing Michelle and Travis!! They'll be at her parents house (from their long drive across the country) late Tuesday night. I am sooo excited and have been counting down for months. It makes me happy to know that they'll be back home. :-)

* Friday I'll be helping decorate the church, and probably helping Cindy with answering phones at church. That evening is the rehersal dinner, and a few other "people things".

* Saturday is Chaya and Nathanael's wedding. I'm excited for that.

I know, this was a completely boring post.. I'm really tired, a whole-body exhausted tired. I hope this upcoming week I can get some sleep and rest my already worn body. Lately, I have been having so much tired getting to sleep at night. I lay in bed for an hour before I can fall asleep. It's not that I'm going to bed too early, because this happens at all hours. I've been taking Tylenol PM, but I'd rather do without that if I can. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions that could help me?