you just.. do it

I was having lunch with a woman yesterday and she asked me "How have you managed going through 8 surgeries in the past 2 and a half years?" The truth is... I just did it. I know, that probably doesn't make sense, but if you have been through a VERY testing period of your life for an extended time, you just do it. There were many times that I felt like a zombie walking a long the path not remembering much (and no, its not just from the strong medication). To me, I had no other choice. What good would hiding out & mentally giving up have done? It would've ruined my life and my familiy's life. I somehow tapped into a strength that I never knew I had. If you would've asked me at 16 or part of 17, "How WILL you manage going through 8 surgeries in 2 and a half years?" I probably would've laughed and shrugged it off. I guess at some point or another you go into survival mode. It's the little thing that Jesus gives you, shows you, and tells you along the way that gets you through rough times. A few times before surgery I'd be laying in the pre-op room, being prepped to go into surgery.. and I literally felt a warmth on one of my hands. It felt like it feels when someone holds my hand. I knew that was Jesus' way of saying "I'm here.. I'll protect you through this".

I complained so many times about having to have surgery. Every time I was laying on the bed in the holding room before surgery, I'd look at my parents and while crying I'd say "Can we please leave right now? Let's just sneak out right now and go home. I can't do this". Somehow.. I always did. Man.. what kind of a brat am I? I never caught myself saying "Thank you Jesus.. you have blessed me with the best surgeons in the United States.. at the #1 hospital in America. I am so lucky!"
I still am heartbroken and a bit skeptical about some things.. but I suppose that's expected. I want the kind of faith that I had at 16. I'm believing that God will restore it, it'll just take a great deal of trust-building and time.

These lyrics have helped me through a lot. They describe everything that I have felt, and still feel (I'm not over the mountain yet.. I'm still in excrusiating pain in my neck 24/7, and Dr. Millis isn't entirely sure that he's finished with my hips). Nonetheless, it's a powerful song in the midst of any kind of pain.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior
When paid surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

I love the sparrows as the background on my xanga. For me.. they are a constant reminder. I'm not saying that God caused me to fall, but I know that for some reason that I don't understand yet.. it was a part of his will. He protected me during, after, and way after my fall. This verse has such a strong significance to me now, after falling, the way I did. I guess its a good thing that I'm only 4'11 right? After I fell my dad said "Well Gorge, at least you didn't have too far to fall." Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will."
If God cares that much about a sparrow, how much more does he care about you and me?