booked tickets

It's official.. I'm flying down to Lakeland Florida On June 17th with my dad, and we'll be there around noon! It won't be a very long stay, but we'll be there until the morning of the 20th (and back in time for young adults that night). We'll be there for 3 nights of meetings and a few day-time meetings. I'm really excited to go. I don't completely agree with everything that Todd Bentley does during the service, but nonetheless, people are being drastically healed and transformed. God has to be in the midst of it somewhere.

Even if God chooses not to heal my neck at these meetings, it will still be a neat experience and it'll be good to spend time with my dad. I'm going to go with a good heart and a lot of faith. Multiple surgeries, physical therapy, injections, and doctors appointments haven't healed my neck.. but maybe taking this big step of faith & going there will. I'm hoping I'll be leaving Lakeland and coming back to Massena pain-free. I'd love to come back and pray for those in NTC that need a healing and see miracles. If I prayed for one person I love and saw them healed, all of my pain over the years would be worth it.

many different thoughts

The day before I fell I bought a little plaque for my wall that says

"Where there is faith there is hope,
Where there is hope there is everything."

That means a lot to me because it is so simple, yet contains so much depth. When you have faith in Jesus (or anything, really) it provides hope. Real, genuine hope. That kind of hope can't be manufactured. When you have hope.. that is everything. I know the meaning of that line too well. My hope in seeing my dream come true of waking up one morning and being completely pain-free is EVERYTHING to me. It consumes me in a good way. You may think that it's a bad thing because my focus is only on myself and not on others, but in a way I can't explain.. it expands my heart and gives me enough room for both inside of it. I've never loved people as much as I have this past year or so. Especially children. Although I love every child in my church, some are more important to me than others because they're the ones that ask me every sunday & thursday "how are you feeling?", draw me cards, give lots of hugs, and do cute little things to make me smile.

Some examples that I remember..
*One night the Cardinal family came over to see me after one of my last surgeries. I was so happy to see beautiful Sydney & happy Asher. Half-way through the visit Sydney pulled a [new] kleenex out of her pocket that she had brought for me from her house. She thought that the kleenex would make me feel better and wanted me to have it. Whenever she sees me at church she asks "How's your booboo? Are you better? I want you to come watch me."

*Before my October surgery I went over to see the Avery kids. When I got there Jared & Judah gave me the cutest cards ever. They were home-made ones! Judah drew all bright, "pretty" colors that would make me happy. He told Michelle that he didn't want to draw my hair brown in the picture because brown isn't bright and "wouldn't make me happy." He was all worried. The cards made me smile and I brought them with me to the hospital and hung them on the wall to always look at.

*A few weeks ago I got a card in the mail from Kellon Lincoln. He drew a picture for me one day. I'm not quite sure what it was, but part of it looked like a red heart. It was so cute coming from a 2 year old.

There are soo many other stories about things that the kids at NTC have done to make me smile. They don't know this.. but they are what have helped me through these past few years. Their love for me and devotion to praying for me (some at the dinner table & some before bed every night.. thanks Ramsdells, Lombardos & vonBorstels!). I really owe a lot to these thoughtful kids. Not being able to babysit a lot and being more involved with the children's ministry has been the hardest part of this last big surgery for me. It's like the devil knew right where to hit me to get me down. I truly love all of the children & take an interest in their lives. I cannot wait to watch them for the week when Lanny is preaching & to be the leader of the 3 & 4 year olds for VBS.

I'll be off the crutch(es) completely in the next 2-3 weeks hopefully. Then, I can babysit a lot and spend more time with the kids I love. My close friends wedding is June 7th, and I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. I have a doctors appointment on June 3d to see if I'll either be on one crutch for the wedding or be without crutches altogether. I'm really really praying that my surgeon will say that I can go crutch-less. Due to the fact that my bones heal slowly.. I'm not sure how the x-ray will turn out. I really hope I can be off the crutch for the wedding, and for the next week (June 9-12th) to babysit kids at NTC.

syracuse gets a thumbs-down

Today was... horrible. My dad and I ventured to Syracuse for my 1:00 appointment with a doctor there. I was suppose to have a CAT scan (or some kind of test done) to see where exactly the pain is coming from, and have injections (comprised of a steroid and numbing agent solution) that was suppoose to rid me of pain for up to a few months. I had my heart so set on getting some answers. I didnt even mind if it was bad news, I just wanted to know what was causing the horrible, constant pain. Well, when we arrived there we ended up waiting 45 minutes past my appointment time to see anyone, and when the doctor walked by I stopped him and asked about my appointment. He looked very off guard, and brought me into a room. He said that he had no idea about the appointmentr and had nothing worked out for the scans or anything. It was his idea a month ago for me to come see him. He talked to us for a total of 1 minute and then walked out.
I tried my hardest not to cry right there, and I managed to hold it in unitl I got to the car. We drove 6 hours today for absoluutely nothing. They didn't offer any ideas to aleviate pain or guess at what was causing it. Nothing. This was so disheartening.
I really feel that if that office is that disorganized and not "with it" then there is NO way that I want them touching my neck (or operating). I'm going to try to get into Boston with this issue with my neck surgeon. I miss the quality of care of the Children's Hospital in Boston.

Tomorrow morning my parents, Dane & I leave for Toronto for the weekend because my dad is speaking at a church plant tomorrow night and Sunday morning is preaching at John Finochio's church. Hopefully the rest of the day Sunday we'll be able to see the city. I'm looking forward to this trip because of what a bummer today was.

neck

As some of you know, I am in excrusiating pain all day, every day in my neck (and whole entire head). I've had 2 surgeries on my neck and at this point it should not be hurting me at all. I've had x-rays and CAT scans done recently, and my surgeons have said that the fusion looks "perfect" and they cannot find anything wrong with it. They can't find anything, but the pain in my neck is very real and also limits me from doing quite a lot. You'd never guess that I'm in unbearable amounts of pain all day and night, but I try my best to not let it show in public. Got to stay strong, right?

Well, this Friday my dad & I will go to Syracuse for a 12:30pm appointment for my neck. The doctors are going to run a bone scan and a bunch of other tests. This is bitter-sweet for me and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. I REALLY would like them to figure out what's wrong so that they can find a cure and take away my horrible pain. I'd like some answers because right now no one (in Boston or Syracuse) know what it causing the pain. I'm just praying that whatever it is can be fixed WITHOUT surgery. I really don't want them to operate on my neck again. I can't go through that again.

growing up

Last weekend and this past weekend Dane went to Chateaugay's prom and Massena's prom. It doesn't seem possible that he is a junior in high school and is 17 years old. He went with a very sweet girl named Emily Trudell (Pastor Derek Trudell's daughter) who lives in Burke. They had a great time together both weeks, and I'm glad that Dane's first school dance (and date!) went well. They aren't dating each other, but they had a fun time going as friends.

(Massena's prom)

(Chateaugay's prom)

It seems as if i JUST attended my junior and senior proms. It was 3 and 2 years ago already! I cannot believe how fast time is flying by.

my junior prom ---

my senior prom ---

you just.. do it

I was having lunch with a woman yesterday and she asked me "How have you managed going through 8 surgeries in the past 2 and a half years?" The truth is... I just did it. I know, that probably doesn't make sense, but if you have been through a VERY testing period of your life for an extended time, you just do it. There were many times that I felt like a zombie walking a long the path not remembering much (and no, its not just from the strong medication). To me, I had no other choice. What good would hiding out & mentally giving up have done? It would've ruined my life and my familiy's life. I somehow tapped into a strength that I never knew I had. If you would've asked me at 16 or part of 17, "How WILL you manage going through 8 surgeries in 2 and a half years?" I probably would've laughed and shrugged it off. I guess at some point or another you go into survival mode. It's the little thing that Jesus gives you, shows you, and tells you along the way that gets you through rough times. A few times before surgery I'd be laying in the pre-op room, being prepped to go into surgery.. and I literally felt a warmth on one of my hands. It felt like it feels when someone holds my hand. I knew that was Jesus' way of saying "I'm here.. I'll protect you through this".

I complained so many times about having to have surgery. Every time I was laying on the bed in the holding room before surgery, I'd look at my parents and while crying I'd say "Can we please leave right now? Let's just sneak out right now and go home. I can't do this". Somehow.. I always did. Man.. what kind of a brat am I? I never caught myself saying "Thank you Jesus.. you have blessed me with the best surgeons in the United States.. at the #1 hospital in America. I am so lucky!"
I still am heartbroken and a bit skeptical about some things.. but I suppose that's expected. I want the kind of faith that I had at 16. I'm believing that God will restore it, it'll just take a great deal of trust-building and time.

These lyrics have helped me through a lot. They describe everything that I have felt, and still feel (I'm not over the mountain yet.. I'm still in excrusiating pain in my neck 24/7, and Dr. Millis isn't entirely sure that he's finished with my hips). Nonetheless, it's a powerful song in the midst of any kind of pain.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior
When paid surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

I love the sparrows as the background on my xanga. For me.. they are a constant reminder. I'm not saying that God caused me to fall, but I know that for some reason that I don't understand yet.. it was a part of his will. He protected me during, after, and way after my fall. This verse has such a strong significance to me now, after falling, the way I did. I guess its a good thing that I'm only 4'11 right? After I fell my dad said "Well Gorge, at least you didn't have too far to fall." Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will."
If God cares that much about a sparrow, how much more does he care about you and me?

I already have so many sites that I check (and update), but I love reading everyone's blogspot and would like to be able to start commenting on them. So... here I am!