12/16

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy.”

Today, an appointment was [finally] scheduled for me in Boston. I could not be happier about this! The appointment is for December 16th at 9am. My hip surgeon is in Japan right now and couldn't coordinate the visit with some neurologists, so we scheduled the appointment as a "follow-up" for my hip. I need the rods and screws out of my left leg as soon as possible because I am in a lot of pain in it all the time. I would MUCH rather get this done in Boston, if possible, because the whole experience with the hospital in Syracuse wasn't a pleasant one. Due to my college schedule (and recovery) it seems as though the hardware removal will be in the summer time.
As for my neck, it is still unknown what it wrong with it. I've talked with a few doctors and everyone thinks that it most likely won't require further surgery on it. If the first two haven't alleviated the pain, a third probably won't either. I'm thinking that it may be something to do with arthritis and food in tolerances (my mom can't eat tomatoes, potatoes, or chocolate or she is bed-ridden due to her arthritis acting up). I'm just praying that either physical therapy or food testing will prove to be the answer.
I want to write on here more, but I'm very busy with the semester winding down and working at the hockey arena and babysitting at church. When I'm not doing those, I'm trying to relax and give my very tired body rest.

I hope every one has a great holiday season!

jesus loves me

miracle

"Clinging To The Cross" Tim Hughes"
"My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail

Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross

Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail"



I need a miracle... now more than ever. I try not to let it show when I'm in public, but I really am not doing well physically and mentally. As most of you know,I've had problems with my neck since my first surgery July 13th, 2005. It has always hurt and brought discomfort, but I slowly learned to cope and go on with life with the pain. However, the story has changed in the past few months. It from from being very bad pain to extreme pain all day/every day... and on top of that I started developing some concerning symtoms. As of the past few months, I am completely dizzy all of the time, and this has caused me to black out from the pain and dizziness. I am drained all of the time and have no energy. On top of the constant dizziness (and blacking out) my coordination is off, and I have trouble with holding things with my arms and hands/fingers.

I was suppose to have an appointment in Boston in August, but that ended up not happening. My dad wrote my hip surgeon this past week about how its getting worse, and my surgeon emailed us right back. He apoligized for the delay, and said that he and a top team would do anything possible to come up with a conclusion (possibly even admit me for a few days for testing). This excites me, because at this point I just want to know what it is, even if its bad news. I'm just praying that they can figure out what this is once and for all. It scares me everyday when I am so dizzy that I need to sit or lay more than I can stand. My mind is in a daze and I need to be revived. People are not meant to live with fear and pain. I'll update this when we get an exact appointment date; I'm hoping that it's very soon.

If any of you were wondering where my mind has been lately, thats where its at. If I've been acting different when you see me, I also apoligize. I don't mean to be closed off.. its all I can do to stay 'together'. At this point, being out at church, school, or different places is a big task. This is very weird for someone like me who thrives on being around people and out. If you think of it, please pray for strength and answers at my appointment. At this point, they don't know what's wrong & I'm just praying to God from the depths of my soul for him to show them or pop the thought into their minds about what it could be.

Tomorrow morning I am going to Burlington with my dad (he's going to go visit Joe Cardinal in the hospital) and I am going to spend a few hours with Joshua and Sophie Avery because I miss them so much! I'm excited =)
Also, Pioneer Club starts back up tomorrow night. I'm in the 3 & 4 year olds class again with Jackie. I have a feeling that it will be a fun year. I love that age group.. they're too funny.

This is a lame update, but... its one, nonetheless.

Don't Give Up

Josh Groban "You Are Loved"

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up

Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

update

Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day for me. Sunday morning I was having dreams about my neck hurting VERY badly & having to go to the hospital. I woke up around 7am to the worst pain that I have ever had in my head. (Possibly worst ever.. even with my femur being broken). My head felt like it literally was going to explode and I was so sick. When I tried to get up, my head felt like it was 75 lbs and that my neck couldn't hold it up, so I fell back into bed. My dad got me an ice pack to lay on and then told me to go back to bed. During the course of the day I took some Aleve and got a prescription for Celebrex (inflammation) and although it helped a bit, I was still in excruciating pain all day. Today it is a bit better, but it still scares me that it could hurt that much and no one be able to figure out what is causing it.

My dad emailed my hip surgeon in Boston. He emailed us back & is working very hard to get a hold of my neck surgeon, neurologist, and some other neuro guy who is the tops at Harvard (We've gotten a few emails from them since). They're working hard to coordinate a schedule to get me to come very soon... because they're nervous about what's going on with me. It's potentially very serious. They're going against hospital policy by letting me in, but Dr. Millis said that he's "committed to helping me solve this". It's great to know that a person of such ranks as he would go out of his way to help me with an issue with my neck, when he deals with mainly hips.

I think I see gold

"I think I see gold
I think I see gold in the fire
Right there in the ashes
Is all you've desired
Oh, it's hard
As you press toward the goal
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't stop now
I think I see gold"
-Ray Boltz

I've been trying to stay very busy lately. I don't like to have any time during my day or night where I'm not with someone.. doing something. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. That scares me lately. I need to learn to be content with myself. I wishthat I had some big, deep entry to write.. but I don't. My mind is in a fog and I can't convey what my heart wants to. I need this pain to leave me.

I was suppose to go to Syracuse today for a check-up on my hips to check my progress, and for the neck doctors to meet with me once again. I cancelled both appointments yesterday. I am so fed up and frustrated with the doctors in Syracuse that I said "forget it". My dad emailed my hip surgeon in Boston (Dr. Millis) to see if I could have a check-up with him this summer instead. He has not seen me walk & stand with two straight legs yet, so I am very anxious for him to. He's changed my life. We also requested that I get an appointment with a neurologist that helped work on my neck during my first neck operation (hopefully to gain some insight on the neck pain). There is one problem.. I may not be able to . If you have not had a certain condition since before you were 18, then you cannot get into Boston Childrens Hospital. We cannot prove that my neck pain was caused from my broken neck or surgery, so Dr. Proctor (neurologist) most likely won't be able to meet with me. I've met with him once since the surgery, but I am 20 and it will be very difficult to be able to get back in there. I'm hoping for a miracle and that Dr. Proctor will beable to meet with me and hopefully figure out what the problem could be, since everyone believes it is a nerve problem snd not a bone structure problem. I'll let everyone know when Dr. Millis emails us back.

my song?

6/30/08

I’m spending another sleepless night, consumed with the pain I feel.I’ve cried too many tears to be back here again tonight.
My mind races with many unanswered questions
And my heart breaks with each one.
Why have I been dealt this card?
What have I done to sink this low?

And I’m suffering, aching, screaming, dying inside.
And I’m crying, longing, begging, for new life.
Something’s got to change in my world.
I can’t keep being trampled on every time I get back up.I need a savior, a healer, and a refuge from the storm.If he doesn’t come soon I’ll drown in my tears for good.

I feel alone and I’ve got no one to turn to.No one around me understands this depth of hurt.
I need to rest; I’m too weary to fight for much longer.
My bones are screaming for restoration,
And my shattered heart needs to be re-built.
Please, can’t you just take away the pain?

I’ll lay it down, I’ll let you fight.
I’ll run to you, run with you, run for you.
Teach me that I can be victorious and weak at once.
Clear away the chaos and confusion the world has thrown me into.
I need peace before I can drop to my knees to believe again.
I need to know that you love me, please SHOW me that you love me.

self-assurance.

What I am about to write is going to surprise myself. I just came to the conclusion that I am on my way to be content (in some areas) with where I am at in life right now. I can't remember the last time that things have felt this "right". Right now, I'm spending a lot of time at church and watching the children every night for Lanny Hubbard's meetings. It's not just the babysitting that I love, but I feel that it's ok that I'm in Massena, its ok that I LOVE spending time at NTC, its ok that I'm going to school at Canton for now. I always thought that right after high school I'd book it out of the 'north country' and "make something of myself". Right now I am making something of myself because I'm imparting things into these incredible children at my church. I keep hearing stories that make me cry about them wanting to spend time with me and loving me. I feel like being involved with the kids ministry at NTC on Sundays, Thursdays, VBS, special events.. is sooo right. I don't know if I can/be able to do this someday when I'm older, but for now.. this is my joy. These children that hug me and say "I love you Meghan" when they leave, are my joy. Maybe I'm just starting to feel whole because I feel like this is my ministy? Preaching is great, being on a prayer team is great, but teaching and loving kids is great too! I'm learning that it's ok to be in Massena for now, and to do what I am doing. It's comforting to know that it's ok with God and it is ok with me.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting again before I leave for Florida. We leave Monday night for Syracuse, and leave at 6am for Florida to get there by noon. Please pray for us and that amazing things happen in my body and in my heart. Pray for Jesus to heal my heart and take away dissapointment and hurt. I think that's more important that my neck being healed.

weekend pictures

The weekend went very well, and although I am tired.. it was worth it!
Instead of writing lots of words, I'll just share a bunch of pictures. I am proud to say that I was able to walk down the isle without a crutch, just as I had wished. I ended up using one half-way through the ceremony to lean on and walk back down the isle with. I pushed myself and it was worth it. For the first half of the ceremony I was sad that I "couldn't" dance with all of my friends, but after a little while I thought "I'll just try to slow dance. Nothing too crazy, just to see if I'm safe or able to". Well, I ended up dancing for hours straight (to fast songs) and had an absolute blast! I guess fear needs to be tested some times, to see how far we can go. I would've missed out on some great memories, if I hadn't had stepped out and tried, even though I was scared for my safety and well-being of my hip. My best friend said "I am SO happy to see you out here dancing!", and.. I was too. =)

This afternoon we went to the Cardinals for a cook-out. I didn't take any pictures, but my dad took this picture of me & Sophie. I love it!

bitter-sweet

My appointments yesterday were bitter-sweet. My hip appointment went well, while the neck appointment wasn't as successful.

When I arrived at the doctor's office I had x-rays done, then I went to meet with the Syracuse hip surgeon. After reviewing my x-rays Dr. Simpson said "I was honestly expecting to walk in here and tell you that your leg hadn't healed yet and that you need to continue using two crutched. But, I'm surprised to say that your leg is healing like gang-busters and its healing so fast. Faster than expected. You can throw the crutch out today if you feel comfortable with that". I was completely shocked to hear this. After every other surgery my leg has healed slower than expected, so this was a big treat. I know that it's everyone's prayers that have helped speed this along. So.. thank you!

When I went in for my neck appointment, a doctor (I'd never met before) interviewed me then put a very painful injection into my neck/head on the left and right side. The injection was suppose to numb the nerve for up to a few months and take away the pain. The doctor said that if it didn't work within the first 20 minutes, then it wouldn't work. Well, it definitely numbed the whole back of my head for about an hour, but sadly... no relief from the pain. They also wrote out two prescriptions for me to start taking. One was Celebrex for inflamation, which I am comfortable taking.. but there is some sort of migraine medicine that he wants me to start taking that I'm going to check with a few doctors on because I don't feel good about it. It's something to do with my per____ nerve, and I will most likely be on it for the rest of my life. I don't want to take something for that long unless I absolutely have to. So pretty much.. I am still a mystery to doctors and they're just trying different things to help. I just wish I had a definite answer and a definite cure.

my week

This week is/will be an interesting one!

* Today I bought a new digital camera and I absolutely love it! It's a Nikon Coolpix s550, 10 megapixels, 5x zoom. It's an incredible price for the camera, so I'm very happy with it.



Today I also went to Potsdam with my dad to get a CAT scan done. Right before it started taking pictures, I said a quick prayer that whatever needs to show up on the scan will, in order for the doctor to gain some insight.

* Tomorrow I have to get x-rays done in Syracuse then I have a check-up right after. Immediately following the hip appointment I've got an appointment with a doctor concerning my neck, where he'll view the CATscan and hopefully have a conclusion as to what is causing all of the pain.

* Wednesday I will be seeing Michelle and Travis!! They'll be at her parents house (from their long drive across the country) late Tuesday night. I am sooo excited and have been counting down for months. It makes me happy to know that they'll be back home. :-)

* Friday I'll be helping decorate the church, and probably helping Cindy with answering phones at church. That evening is the rehersal dinner, and a few other "people things".

* Saturday is Chaya and Nathanael's wedding. I'm excited for that.

I know, this was a completely boring post.. I'm really tired, a whole-body exhausted tired. I hope this upcoming week I can get some sleep and rest my already worn body. Lately, I have been having so much tired getting to sleep at night. I lay in bed for an hour before I can fall asleep. It's not that I'm going to bed too early, because this happens at all hours. I've been taking Tylenol PM, but I'd rather do without that if I can. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions that could help me?

booked tickets

It's official.. I'm flying down to Lakeland Florida On June 17th with my dad, and we'll be there around noon! It won't be a very long stay, but we'll be there until the morning of the 20th (and back in time for young adults that night). We'll be there for 3 nights of meetings and a few day-time meetings. I'm really excited to go. I don't completely agree with everything that Todd Bentley does during the service, but nonetheless, people are being drastically healed and transformed. God has to be in the midst of it somewhere.

Even if God chooses not to heal my neck at these meetings, it will still be a neat experience and it'll be good to spend time with my dad. I'm going to go with a good heart and a lot of faith. Multiple surgeries, physical therapy, injections, and doctors appointments haven't healed my neck.. but maybe taking this big step of faith & going there will. I'm hoping I'll be leaving Lakeland and coming back to Massena pain-free. I'd love to come back and pray for those in NTC that need a healing and see miracles. If I prayed for one person I love and saw them healed, all of my pain over the years would be worth it.

many different thoughts

The day before I fell I bought a little plaque for my wall that says

"Where there is faith there is hope,
Where there is hope there is everything."

That means a lot to me because it is so simple, yet contains so much depth. When you have faith in Jesus (or anything, really) it provides hope. Real, genuine hope. That kind of hope can't be manufactured. When you have hope.. that is everything. I know the meaning of that line too well. My hope in seeing my dream come true of waking up one morning and being completely pain-free is EVERYTHING to me. It consumes me in a good way. You may think that it's a bad thing because my focus is only on myself and not on others, but in a way I can't explain.. it expands my heart and gives me enough room for both inside of it. I've never loved people as much as I have this past year or so. Especially children. Although I love every child in my church, some are more important to me than others because they're the ones that ask me every sunday & thursday "how are you feeling?", draw me cards, give lots of hugs, and do cute little things to make me smile.

Some examples that I remember..
*One night the Cardinal family came over to see me after one of my last surgeries. I was so happy to see beautiful Sydney & happy Asher. Half-way through the visit Sydney pulled a [new] kleenex out of her pocket that she had brought for me from her house. She thought that the kleenex would make me feel better and wanted me to have it. Whenever she sees me at church she asks "How's your booboo? Are you better? I want you to come watch me."

*Before my October surgery I went over to see the Avery kids. When I got there Jared & Judah gave me the cutest cards ever. They were home-made ones! Judah drew all bright, "pretty" colors that would make me happy. He told Michelle that he didn't want to draw my hair brown in the picture because brown isn't bright and "wouldn't make me happy." He was all worried. The cards made me smile and I brought them with me to the hospital and hung them on the wall to always look at.

*A few weeks ago I got a card in the mail from Kellon Lincoln. He drew a picture for me one day. I'm not quite sure what it was, but part of it looked like a red heart. It was so cute coming from a 2 year old.

There are soo many other stories about things that the kids at NTC have done to make me smile. They don't know this.. but they are what have helped me through these past few years. Their love for me and devotion to praying for me (some at the dinner table & some before bed every night.. thanks Ramsdells, Lombardos & vonBorstels!). I really owe a lot to these thoughtful kids. Not being able to babysit a lot and being more involved with the children's ministry has been the hardest part of this last big surgery for me. It's like the devil knew right where to hit me to get me down. I truly love all of the children & take an interest in their lives. I cannot wait to watch them for the week when Lanny is preaching & to be the leader of the 3 & 4 year olds for VBS.

I'll be off the crutch(es) completely in the next 2-3 weeks hopefully. Then, I can babysit a lot and spend more time with the kids I love. My close friends wedding is June 7th, and I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. I have a doctors appointment on June 3d to see if I'll either be on one crutch for the wedding or be without crutches altogether. I'm really really praying that my surgeon will say that I can go crutch-less. Due to the fact that my bones heal slowly.. I'm not sure how the x-ray will turn out. I really hope I can be off the crutch for the wedding, and for the next week (June 9-12th) to babysit kids at NTC.

syracuse gets a thumbs-down

Today was... horrible. My dad and I ventured to Syracuse for my 1:00 appointment with a doctor there. I was suppose to have a CAT scan (or some kind of test done) to see where exactly the pain is coming from, and have injections (comprised of a steroid and numbing agent solution) that was suppoose to rid me of pain for up to a few months. I had my heart so set on getting some answers. I didnt even mind if it was bad news, I just wanted to know what was causing the horrible, constant pain. Well, when we arrived there we ended up waiting 45 minutes past my appointment time to see anyone, and when the doctor walked by I stopped him and asked about my appointment. He looked very off guard, and brought me into a room. He said that he had no idea about the appointmentr and had nothing worked out for the scans or anything. It was his idea a month ago for me to come see him. He talked to us for a total of 1 minute and then walked out.
I tried my hardest not to cry right there, and I managed to hold it in unitl I got to the car. We drove 6 hours today for absoluutely nothing. They didn't offer any ideas to aleviate pain or guess at what was causing it. Nothing. This was so disheartening.
I really feel that if that office is that disorganized and not "with it" then there is NO way that I want them touching my neck (or operating). I'm going to try to get into Boston with this issue with my neck surgeon. I miss the quality of care of the Children's Hospital in Boston.

Tomorrow morning my parents, Dane & I leave for Toronto for the weekend because my dad is speaking at a church plant tomorrow night and Sunday morning is preaching at John Finochio's church. Hopefully the rest of the day Sunday we'll be able to see the city. I'm looking forward to this trip because of what a bummer today was.

neck

As some of you know, I am in excrusiating pain all day, every day in my neck (and whole entire head). I've had 2 surgeries on my neck and at this point it should not be hurting me at all. I've had x-rays and CAT scans done recently, and my surgeons have said that the fusion looks "perfect" and they cannot find anything wrong with it. They can't find anything, but the pain in my neck is very real and also limits me from doing quite a lot. You'd never guess that I'm in unbearable amounts of pain all day and night, but I try my best to not let it show in public. Got to stay strong, right?

Well, this Friday my dad & I will go to Syracuse for a 12:30pm appointment for my neck. The doctors are going to run a bone scan and a bunch of other tests. This is bitter-sweet for me and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. I REALLY would like them to figure out what's wrong so that they can find a cure and take away my horrible pain. I'd like some answers because right now no one (in Boston or Syracuse) know what it causing the pain. I'm just praying that whatever it is can be fixed WITHOUT surgery. I really don't want them to operate on my neck again. I can't go through that again.

growing up

Last weekend and this past weekend Dane went to Chateaugay's prom and Massena's prom. It doesn't seem possible that he is a junior in high school and is 17 years old. He went with a very sweet girl named Emily Trudell (Pastor Derek Trudell's daughter) who lives in Burke. They had a great time together both weeks, and I'm glad that Dane's first school dance (and date!) went well. They aren't dating each other, but they had a fun time going as friends.

(Massena's prom)

(Chateaugay's prom)

It seems as if i JUST attended my junior and senior proms. It was 3 and 2 years ago already! I cannot believe how fast time is flying by.

my junior prom ---

my senior prom ---

you just.. do it

I was having lunch with a woman yesterday and she asked me "How have you managed going through 8 surgeries in the past 2 and a half years?" The truth is... I just did it. I know, that probably doesn't make sense, but if you have been through a VERY testing period of your life for an extended time, you just do it. There were many times that I felt like a zombie walking a long the path not remembering much (and no, its not just from the strong medication). To me, I had no other choice. What good would hiding out & mentally giving up have done? It would've ruined my life and my familiy's life. I somehow tapped into a strength that I never knew I had. If you would've asked me at 16 or part of 17, "How WILL you manage going through 8 surgeries in 2 and a half years?" I probably would've laughed and shrugged it off. I guess at some point or another you go into survival mode. It's the little thing that Jesus gives you, shows you, and tells you along the way that gets you through rough times. A few times before surgery I'd be laying in the pre-op room, being prepped to go into surgery.. and I literally felt a warmth on one of my hands. It felt like it feels when someone holds my hand. I knew that was Jesus' way of saying "I'm here.. I'll protect you through this".

I complained so many times about having to have surgery. Every time I was laying on the bed in the holding room before surgery, I'd look at my parents and while crying I'd say "Can we please leave right now? Let's just sneak out right now and go home. I can't do this". Somehow.. I always did. Man.. what kind of a brat am I? I never caught myself saying "Thank you Jesus.. you have blessed me with the best surgeons in the United States.. at the #1 hospital in America. I am so lucky!"
I still am heartbroken and a bit skeptical about some things.. but I suppose that's expected. I want the kind of faith that I had at 16. I'm believing that God will restore it, it'll just take a great deal of trust-building and time.

These lyrics have helped me through a lot. They describe everything that I have felt, and still feel (I'm not over the mountain yet.. I'm still in excrusiating pain in my neck 24/7, and Dr. Millis isn't entirely sure that he's finished with my hips). Nonetheless, it's a powerful song in the midst of any kind of pain.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior
When paid surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

I love the sparrows as the background on my xanga. For me.. they are a constant reminder. I'm not saying that God caused me to fall, but I know that for some reason that I don't understand yet.. it was a part of his will. He protected me during, after, and way after my fall. This verse has such a strong significance to me now, after falling, the way I did. I guess its a good thing that I'm only 4'11 right? After I fell my dad said "Well Gorge, at least you didn't have too far to fall." Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will."
If God cares that much about a sparrow, how much more does he care about you and me?

I already have so many sites that I check (and update), but I love reading everyone's blogspot and would like to be able to start commenting on them. So... here I am!